Monday, January 25, 2010

VNIT Fports Feft

Normally I like to fit back grooming my raven gloffief. At otherf I like to take a dump on the numerouf annoying couplef at the bajaj nagar gate while hiding in the treef. I am of courfe your proverbial “lil birdie” who faithfully tellf and initatef all the rumourf and “breaking newf” in VNIT. So when the Edf at the newfletter told me to follow up on the VFF, I told them that they had come to the right man.

Now when VNIT finally got itf very own fportf “extravaganfa”, I couldn’t have been any happier for ‘em. Of courfe the onuf of thif organifafonal giant, with 4 outftafon teamf ,fell on our fteadfaft C(h)ore committee, who in their busy fchedule found time to pet poochef, take their demanding girlfriendf to fhopping, and longer and relafed fag breakf at the tapri.

When too many fweaty fwarthy men threatened to fill the campuf, I knew our gueftf had arrived. Out of all the teamf that arrived, NIT- Kkr couldn’t have been in higher “fpiritf” and they were just about to be the crowd’f favouritef with all their cuffing and pufhing, had it not been for NIT-Fee who couldn’t have felt more at home with what their entire mallu family refiding in Bhi-an-aai-tee. With in minutes of arriving they found everyone from a mallu coach to mallu gamekeeper to an inftant ready mallu fan club. I obvioufly wonder why our entra friendf kept away from any PDA with NIT-w blokef.

VNIT crowd at its beft if refilent and at worft mulifh in its attitude to attending eventf in the college. But the one thing that had them hounding was the food ftall in the parking lot. Ticket fyftem and a bald guard with a loud whiftle had moft of the prettief kept ftricly out and falivating.

VNIT fports feft was a complete fucceff with the home team winning 3 out of the 4 fportf, which was pretty much efpected, confidering the fportf juggernautf that we are. :P my kudof to palafh dhali for fuch a fiefta. Of courfe, confidering gyrating cheer leaderf would help more partifipation next year.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


An infection that appears to have lain dormant since the early 1980s seems to have resurfaced. The swine flu known to have originated in Mexico is probably the only export of the country in the last 50 years besides immigrants and drugs. In all of this it is believed that the flu was finally brought to the United States by Miss Piggy, who is known to have had been touring in Mexico. The biggest fall down of this is the death of the beloved icon, Kermit the frog, who contracted the flu from yet another attempt of Miss Piggy to kiss him.
As the world arms itself with tissues, masks, body suits and quarantine chambers, we present to you some schmooze we caught off the air waves and your own guide on what to do and not to in these distressing times.


Let’s face it. God doesn’t punish nonbelievers today to the same degree He did in the days of old. Apart from the occasional flood, tornado and plane crash which involve just handfuls of nonbelieving sinners, He has largely put up with the world’s increasing tolerance to homosexuals, abortionists, Indian Idol, American Idol, Taiwan Idol, Jamaican Idol, Galapagodas Idol and Idle worshippers who head bang themselves to lethargy. But no more! The Lord is back with a vengeance.One of God’s favorite conduits for extinguishing evil is swine. This time, the swine are staying alive and killing the devils, a/k/a Mexicans, a/k/a Simon Cowell, a/k/a cultists, a/k/a idol-worshippers.


In another unrelated phenomena is the emergence and the rampant spread of the whine flu. The whine flu derived from a non threatening but a highly irritating strain of the H@#!N$%* flu. It mostly affects people already suffering from a condition called Idiotica Hypochondriacae. It results in the patient panicking that he or she has the “piggy flu” due to over exposure to Twitter, Pearls Before Swine, Burritos and Barack Obama. Thus adequately choking the public health system and triggering mass hysteria. The WHO have issued a song in public interest “Had Enough” and “Why did I fall for that” asking all the whiners to stay shut and keep that way.


Fiji, Sunday: Hollywood Actress Angelina Jolie here today filed an application along with long time partner Brad Pitt to adopt the adorable trio of the “Three lil Pigs”. The three pigs who are Legen…wait for it…dary for their amusing children’s story along with the Big bad Wolf, were ousted from the city by the Public Health office due to the recent swine flu scare. Miss Jolie who is already known for her willingness to expand her “Rainbow Family” said she wants to do all she can for this humanitarian cause and couldn’t wait to add them to her current collection. The Big Bad Wolf saddened by the impending loss of his chums can be found in the local bars strumming to the tune of “Pigs (three different ones)” by Pink Floyd and drinking himself to oblivion.


1. Always cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Rush and wear a mask if anyone sneezes around you. Special Anniversary Jacko accessory masks available for 100 USD. Extra-special masks for under 5 toddlers featuring Peterpan and Neverland, 75 USD.

2. When in doubt, do as Lady Macbeth does. Always wash your hands. Before eating. Wash your hands. After eating. Wash your hands. In between while chewing mess-chawal wish you were having a peperoni pizza instead. Wash your hands.

3. If you happen to get sick- Stay locked in your room. Put it up as your FB status. Create mass panic. Ensure a 2 week college off. Win the “Most popular person on campus”poll.

4. If you know someone who is sick- Shut them in a glass box. Sell them as a live specimen to AajTak Sansani. Or Sell him to Ramdev Baba for advertising his miraculous cure for the swine flu. Or just turn him over to the pigs. Let them have the last say.

5. Keep aware and recognize any abnormal symptoms. If you are in doubt, go seek professional advice from the Health center.


1. I’m a 27 yr old participant in a Jungle survivor series. Just the other day I was showering under the waterfall. And now I am sneezing and getting the body
chills.Guys is this swine flu?

2. Yesterday at the supermarket we were standing next to a pork chops stand. ZOMG! Do I have swine flu??!!

3. I fell off the bike. My face hit the pavement and now my nose feels all squishy. Could this be swine flu?

4. There was no power here. I was reading this in a dark room with no fan. It was totally hot and I was sweating like a pig. Is that a symptom of swine flu??


1. Research Papers to Read: Pigs Can Fly - A detailed research by Mr. Wodehouse into the evolutionary links between pigs and birds and how their genomes support interchangeability of diseases.

2. Music to listen to: Will Smith- Get piggy with it
Pink Floyd- Pigs on the Wing
Pink Floyd- Pigs (three different ones) – dedicated by the Big Bad Wolf

3. Games to play:
i) Pigtionary
ii) Pig pong


And now the only serious business in this entire article- Sites to go to in case you need some REAL information

CDC H1N1 Page -- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is a great source for H1N1 information for individuals and communities. The site is frequently updated and links to other world agencies and organizations.
-- This site is maintained by the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and aggregates information from the CDC, WHO and other organizations.

World Health Organization -- The UN's World Health Organization (WHO) has a dedicated H1N1 site with media information, latest news and official WHO reports.

Food and Agriculture Organization -- Similarly, the UN's FAO is focussed on background information on H1N1, and is monitoring the situation.

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”- Original Miss Piggy qoute

Sunday, August 9, 2009

McJack McMurder

Rife speculation has spread as to what was the cause of the death of the greatest pop singer in the history of our times; a SHOCKING REVELATION has finally come forward! Michael Jackson’s BODY GUARD who worked with him for 17 years from 86 to 2003 has finally stepped up to TELL THE WORLD THE REAL TRUTH about the life and death of the beleaugured star. A truth so stunning that it leaves you breathless and filled with anger at the injustice of it all. Finally disclosed and brought forward to the public, because we all deserve to know the OTHER SIDE OF MICHAEL JACKSON’S LIFE.
Jackson’s former body guard who spent most of his day at close quarters with the entertainer describes him as “a very quiet and docile person” in reality. Even though Michael was generally nice to his personal staff, there were numerous odd incidents that occurred frequently. Jackson’s former employee is on record saying that the star was often reported missing from his washroom in his Neverland estate house. “He would go in for hours and not come out. We would panic and break open the door to his bathroom only to find him missing.” Endless searches in the midst of the night would find the superstar in deserted parts of the grounds, the gazebo and once even on the roof. “He was stripped naked with strange flourescent tattoos glowing all over his body. We checked his heart beat it was barely there, and a huge sooty black ring surrounded his body.” These sojourns would mostly take place on new moon nights.
Apparently, these instances are surprisingly similar to reported incidents of people who are known to have had contact with the extra-terrestrial. Some of the examples here are of perhaps the most influential people on the planet in their times. The list is considerably long comprising of historical figures like Rasputin and King Henry the VII, and pioneers of pop culture like Kevin (of Backstreet Boys fame), Jimi Hendrix, and Reese Witherspoon. (The Queen is also rumored to be a part of this elite list).Most persons who claim to have ever witnessed or been in communication with the outlandish say that a heart beat of almost 10 beats per minute was often experienced as the body, and more importantly, the brain go in to deep repose after the meeting. The tattoos although have so far been inexplicable.
So does that mean our very own WACKO-JACKO WAS IN CORRESPONDENCE WITH THE GALACTIC-INTELLIGENCE? While such deduction would seem absurd, but now a SHOCKING NEW VIDEO has come forward with RARE BACKSTAGE FOOTAGE of the King of pop’s History concert held in Denver. The grainy video, the link to which shall soon be updated, shows fan Zack Spud, 21 then, sneak past the body guards and shoot the star in his dressing room from a slightly open door. Jackson is seen in this footage lying down on the floor convulsing and wrinkled with the same illuminating imprints and a black ring, while the fish in the near by tank seem to float lifelessly. “The reason why I never came forward with this was because the guard found me eventually and smashed my camera. Only very recently I could recover the print, and now after his death it seems only right that people should know about this.”
Martin Bashir, who is well known to have documented Jackson’s life, says that he always felt that “there was something not right with Michael; I would often find his finger nails full of soot, when he would at an average wash his hands 30 times in a day! Back then I was told about this being his compulsive disorder, but it never explained the soot.” When asked if he had ever been with the star on a new moon night? He said, “I was categorically refused dates on some days of the month even when Michael would be doing nothing but staying at home.” Was this because the star did not want anyone to see him in that condition, especially a snooping scribe? Michael knew that if Bashir included this in his documentary it would a catastrophe, so he conveniently chose dates around the new moon night to avoid him. Sometimes he would give an excuse, others he chose to blatantly refuse any reason.
Eccentricities of the legend have been well recorded. His battle with child pornography, cases of molestation and a debt running into millions have all been well known but nothing has ever held as much fascination or controversy as his apparent color change and subsequent facial surgeries. Jackson was diagnosed with vitiligo in the mid 80s, but all of us know that the disease affects the skin in patches of white. But Jackson on the other hand never exhibited it, his skin lightened over time, but smoothly. “He never showed any patchiness or disfigurement. But that was only because his skin lightened artificially, by killing the melanin producing cells in his body.”Says his former body guard. There were always rumors about this doing the rounds even then, but what came as more of astonishment was why Jackson did it. “Many people thought he was doing it because he was ashamed of his black skin. But when I learned the truth it shocked me to my core. It was apparently a side effect of a secret project he was working on with the US government.”
Sources with access to the secret government archives indeed confirm the existence of a black project called PROJECT FIREFLY. Founded in 1986 the project was funded with the view of communication between the US govt. agencies and extra-terrestrial intelligence. The US government in 1980, after the success of the hit single “Thriller”, contacted Jackson on suspicion that he was the last of a Somalian tribe. This tribe now long vanished, was believed to have supernatural powers to contact the Outer –life forms. While his siblings deny it, it is only because they are under oath to the government. Apparently the Jackson family is given a blanket by the homeland security of category Q, which is only reserved for the Top Secret. Why is the Jackson family provided with Top Secret security? Category Q security for the family of a star, whose fame was nothing but a lore of a bygone era? What threats were potent enough to trigger the government into giving the family such a comprehensive cover?
All the answers lie in the annals of restricted archives of the US govt. On being hunted down, a former agent under this project agreed to shed some light on project Firefly. “Back in the early 80s, of what was a confusing time for the Cold War countries; efforts were already being made to contact the extra-terrestrial, l, to get ahead of the Soviet, with no significant success. Then one day someone found about this Somalian tribe and how the Jackson family was remotely but definitely a part of them. But According to the legend only a male member born on a new moon night would be able to evoke any response from the ‘others’. Which is when enquiries were made into the entire clan and much to everyone’s surprise Michael fit the bill perfectly. Later we also found out how Michael was already practicing it without anyone’s notice.” Former CIA director William Casey’s notice was brought to this but it took nearly 3 more years for clearance and funding of Project Firefly. Once MJ was convinced to be a part of this project, immediately a new spate of experiments was started in a secret location west of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Often side effects of these experiments would include exposure to chemicals and intense radiation. “They had not been able to control Michael’s exposure to the radiation. It was only later that they discovered that his skin cell’s had mutated under the effect. And his cells themselves started killing the melanin.” To the world it was announced that the icon had been diagnosed with vitiligo, but only the govt knew the truth. “It was a stressful time for everyone. Michael was enraged and had wanted to leave the project. But somehow he was convinced not to abandon.” He did not, but the project definitely slowed down.
In the years that followed, Michael dealt with his “disease” in full public spectacle and went on to produce smash hits one after the other. In the year of 1993, Jackson was accused of sexual abuse by Evan Chandler on behalf of his son, Jordan Chandler, 13. Evan is on record saying to the media "If I go through with this, I win big-time. There's no way I lose. I will get everything I want and they will be destroyed forever...Michael's career will be over" The CIA panicked about this charge against the star and went on to make rectifications with fake searches of his Neverland ranch, which included a “strip search” that became crucial validation in the court, even forcing sister La Toya Jackson to retract comments about his paedophilia. Finally the matter was resolved out of court with Jackson paying $22 Million to Chandler.
By the end of the 90s Jackson’s career was flagging. He had not produced a new album in 5 years. Finally in 2001 his new album, Invincible was launched only to be panned by critics and shot down by fans. It was a message for the King that his career was not moving anywhere. Mounting debts, and new charges against him, finally forced the star to return to project Firefly. Most associates of Jackson admit that the Entertainer’s life since the millennium has been mostly unknown to them as to the general public.
Once Michael joined the project Firefly, operation went on with new vigor. In 2002, Jackson’s third child, Prince Michael II was born. The mother of the child was not made known to the world. Former wife Debbie refused to acknowledge the child as her’s and the world was left in askance as to who the real mother was. A former Scientist who was involved in most of the experiments finally revealed that Prince Michael II actually “had no mother. In reality his father only was his mother. We had not lied to the world.” Meaning that PRINCE II WAS nothing but A CLONE OF JACKSON himself. “There were general worries that Michael’s declining health would stop all future operations of the project, so a directive was given to replicate Michael so that the baby was born on a full moon night, retaining the abilities of his father.” Jackson’s mounting financial worries forced him to agree to this plan, and the government in return promised to keep all his legal issues and debts at bay.
Finally in 2005 driven by his personal demons and psychological traumas, Jackson broke away from the Operation, and sought haven in Bahrain and turned to seek refuge in Islam, even changing his name to Mikhail. The government retaliated by forcing him off the US soil and unleashing his creditors on him, even putting up his Neverland estate on sale.
His apparent closeness to King Hamad Khalifa and his loco disposition that loosened his tongue, strongly threatened the secrecy of this project, and made the agency very wary of the star and his state. It was not until in late 2008 when the singer, threatened the government to come in to the open about its clandestine operations in return for settling his debts and annexation of his estate.
Not believing Jackson to keep his end of the bargain, a plan was hatched to eliminate this potent threat to the agency. “Michael’s credibility was at an all time low. His threatening to reveal all was the final straw. The agency had no more use for him, since they already had Prince Michael. He was nothing but a dangerous liability.” Says a former CIA operative.
On June 25, 2009, Jackson collapsed at his rented mansion in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles. Pending confirmation from toxicology reports, he was allegedly administered Demerol shortly before he stopped breathing. Attempts at resuscitating him by his personal physician were unsuccessful.
How the government managed to administer a lethal dosage to him is unknown. Some believe that a poison, Thrombophil, derived from a yellow weed that grows in Carribean was used to render him. It is odorless, tasteless, and colorless. It is almost immediately lethal, producing symptoms resembling those of heart disease. In small doses it can be used as a stimulant. It leaves no toxic trail behind. This poison was oft used during the days of the Cold War to eliminate targets.

What ever maybe the cause, but it would seem that the greatest musical icon of our living memories died a cold death at the hands of the govt and the agency that have long known to be masters at the game of secrecy and treachery. And while the Govt has escaped unscathed, its Pandora’s Box still untouched, a huge price was paid for it. A star, whose light faded just a few days before million of his fans were going to watch him in 50 concerts in the O2 arena. Michael, despite all of his controversies shall be remembered as the moon raker who “moonwalked” into our hearts. RIP.

The Tide of the Tirade

A lot has been happening in my end of the world although I can’t safely say that I have been chronicling it all between late stays at the lab and playing musical rooms during my internship. Nevertheless, I am a strong believer that nocturnal vigilance while a certain I’m-a-cranky-baby-i-need-you-attention-now experiment’s lusty beeps that make you wanna take a sledgehammer to it, could be turned into productive bitch-biting session against all that is wrong with the world and all that could be right.
1. I’m Ogay, you okay? – Last month came as a landmark victory for all the homo/bi/trans sexuals in India, when the Delhi HC decided to amend article 377, making being gay okay! While all the newspapers across the nation churned full front page pictures of homos playing tonsil hockey like there were no tomorrow, the rest of the laity lapped up sob-stories of Celina Jetly’s homo boy-frand and trans make up man (err person?). Closet gays all across the world of fashion and sundry came out to exclaim their eternal love in the open, as your mummy-papa curled up their noses in distaste. During all of this the political parties cry ‘not fair!’ and Lalu Prasad issues sound bytes about how homosexuality “isn’t a part of our culture” and “we must not ape the western countries”, much unaware that Maharajas getting blow-jobs from boy-servants is a well chronicled fact (or so D tells me , citations needed ofcourse, lol.) while a certain eye-flinching caricarture of a godman claims that these “diseased” people need to do pranayam to get better (someone please fix that other eye for him, please!). Amidst all of this you are left wondering how vote-bank politics and media footage vultures won’t leave this one million-strong community alone, being hell-bent on criminalising them for vested interests while hardly knowing much about it at all. I say Peace Ahoy! We could very much do without the clamour againts once taking a step towards emancipation of the wronged. If you’re so interested try badgering the government as to why that 26/11 asshole still languishes in AC jails when he should’ve been dispensed with long ago. That might get you more mileage. So thanks, but no thanks.

2. Rape raps- This summer sure has been a bizzare one. You wouldn’t normally get up one morning reading about rape charges against a once-there-now-where? Actor by none other than his very own underage maid! While you’re still dismissing it as an attention stunt, there is news of teary biwis holding press confereances in support and oily public prosecutors getting their 15 seconds of news feed, major news channels interrupt the prime minister’s foreign visit story with “Breaking News” of how the DNA samples of the actor and the swatches from the maid matched! Oh boy, you grumble, of all the silicon-ous women he could have slept with he chose to have “consensual” sex with his bai! Ugh! Dude couldn’t have expected you to make better career choices, but maybe a better choice of bedmates. Ew. Whatever.

3. Fake-book- Rants and raves against Face-book wouldn’t be enough. I’m sure the day wouldn’t be far when one of us decides to sue them for “extreme mental harassment”. Garbage can full of “news” each day on your home page about which fruit/drink/song/condom flavour/previous life nationality represents the various turds you happen to know along the passage of life. Ten to the power a couple million requests to join “mafia wars”, “be my pet” (sounds so predatory), and whatnot while your “friends” poke and throw at each other vampires, babboons, Sheila Dikshit and SS Umare.
In a day and age, when Facebook rules your entire social life and dictates What “type of fungus will thrive in your pubes/ your nasal booger says about you/psychopathic tendencies your child will inherit from you?” and splashes intimate details of your life all over on your ex-lover’s, bosses’, round the corner ganne-wala’s , sexually abusive uncle’s, former-arsonist-now-friend’s walls, I most vehemently implore you to quit quizzing and get a life to further marital harmony, the future of our children,world health, fight against poverty, AIDS, commercialism, global warming , recession etc. Whatever it takes. Thank you.

4. Well the last one doesn’t involve haranguing at all, but much about felicitating Fedex’s reinstatement as the indisputed Lord of all that he surveyed and A-Rod’s performance at the W-finals. Amidst chocolate cravings and down-pour escapings, you felt so lucky to have bustled in to a coffee boutique and have caught the match :D. As a certain Mr. Chops said to me later that evening, “Nothing beats experiencing history live”, I couldn’t agree with him more.
To Roger, may your tribe of gleaming silverware thrive and to you Andy I wish I had something less trite to say than better luck next time.

As they say that no blog is complete without its entry full of complaints and untamed cribs (even if they don’t, I just did), and so this is mine. In the end to quote Oscar Wilde, “This is kick ass”. Have a nice day.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Gates to Ishtar

Location: Room 254, Hostel 10
Time: 3: 53 Hrs, 16th June

Dear John,
I finally have gathered enough gall to write you your first entry. I wish I could say it was a child of much deliberation, but sadly its just a hastily done piece, while I'm surrounded by two Telaguites chatting on ear splitting decibel to their respective bouy-frands (no regional flavoring here ;P). To be very honest, I even made a tour of blogger's park to pick up tips for a first entry. Ha! And maybe I would have even picked up some, had not a certain Southern Flava asked for the laptop to speak to her Swiss Faucet every time (he's in Switzerland and she calls him "Tap" :|)

Nevertheless, I "Tap" on diligently on the keys, while listening to Smoke Signals Summer Time ( sweet Lord, deliver me) . And my first piece is completely dedicated to randomness. Oh sweet flight of caprice!

Now I'm sitting in my damp hot room (albeit not stifling) wondering why I'm feeling hungry considering I could barely finish my dinner today or if its just one of those horrible urges to put some grub in my mouth for the lack of anything else to do. And while I continue my useless tirade I'm wondering (also) if you would be snoozing sweet slumber by the time you're finished with this tiresome monologue. But then again i think its better you "entertain" yourself with my rants rather than find out about eel genitalia.

Just as an after thought, I'm starting to think that one of the Human Social Weapons should be boring someone to a mutilating death.It pretty much follows the Gandhian principle of Non violence and is so effective that people avoid you like a skunk-ready-to-dunk. You could try it the next time you are at a "party" and a certain Mrs Ahuja comes over to you, where you happen to be nursing a nimboo-pani cosseted behind your mother's plump hips to talk about your proposed Marital prospects to "Happy Singh from Canneda " drone about the ICT module for the implementation of the Food Safety Act. Not that you should really care to know about what it is ( because trust me, no one else does) all you have to do is think about your dron-iest professor and imagine him giving a 4 hour lecture on it ( I'm clearly imagining a Prof Bopshetty for this one) and I guess you'll figure what to say. (Quotable Quotes: "As mechanical engineers we are not bothered about these kind of things!"- S.V. Bopshetty on why the shape of cooling towers follows involute profile, I'm hoping you're getting an idea of what those lectures consist of :|).

And while each one of has a Professor Binn ( of the harry potter books fame) helping us in character building ( qualities such as resilience, tolerance, silence under torture). There is another, a radically opposite school of teachers who love to ensure your sweet ass is always on fire. But of course the need for calls to the Fire Department depend on how premium a T-school you got into.

Another section of this rather random ramble is that I figure that being a professor or a teacher is a cursed job. You get a collective body of 90-odd (varies) dumb-assed-pimps hurl abuses, insults and invectives and spew more venom silently at you while you're unaware. And that is so unfair, c'mon you're only doing your job! Just for that you shouldn't have people gleefully hope every morning that you don't come to class because you found your wife in bed with a jockey or his horse (!!) or you got a call from the Principal of your daughter's school saying she was found cheating in her paper with sanitary napkins (wtf???? cheater!!! ). Anyway. its just plain mean that people should hope such ill-fortune for you when you have to go through the trouble to having to deal with these pube-less cretins who are far from appreciating the beauty of what you teach.

And while, my friend you have shown excellent tolerance to the bullshit that was placed in your hand oh-so-reverently, I'm thinking I could twist a few somethings and name this THE TOXIC CONFESSIONS OF A BORED MIND ( for the lack of secretion of creative juices at this hour)
And as a parting line, I'd say, you aren't the only one to notice the fetish for brackets.