APORKALYPSE

An infection that appears to have lain dormant since the early 1980s seems to have resurfaced. The swine flu known to have originated in Mexico is probably the only export of the country in the last 50 years besides immigrants and drugs. In all of this it is believed that the flu was finally brought to the United States by Miss Piggy, who is known to have had been touring in Mexico. The biggest fall down of this is the death of the beloved icon, Kermit the frog, who contracted the flu from yet another attempt of Miss Piggy to kiss him.
As the world arms itself with tissues, masks, body suits and quarantine chambers, we present to you some schmooze we caught off the air waves and your own guide on what to do and not to in these distressing times.


1) SWINE FLU: GOD’S LATEST PUNISHMENT OF IDOL-WORSHIP

Let’s face it. God doesn’t punish nonbelievers today to the same degree He did in the days of old. Apart from the occasional flood, tornado and plane crash which involve just handfuls of nonbelieving sinners, He has largely put up with the world’s increasing tolerance to homosexuals, abortionists, Indian Idol, American Idol, Taiwan Idol, Jamaican Idol, Galapagodas Idol and Idle worshippers who head bang themselves to lethargy. But no more! The Lord is back with a vengeance.One of God’s favorite conduits for extinguishing evil is swine. This time, the swine are staying alive and killing the devils, a/k/a Mexicans, a/k/a Simon Cowell, a/k/a cultists, a/k/a idol-worshippers.


2) WHINE FLU

In another unrelated phenomena is the emergence and the rampant spread of the whine flu. The whine flu derived from a non threatening but a highly irritating strain of the H@#!N$%* flu. It mostly affects people already suffering from a condition called Idiotica Hypochondriacae. It results in the patient panicking that he or she has the “piggy flu” due to over exposure to Twitter, Pearls Before Swine, Burritos and Barack Obama. Thus adequately choking the public health system and triggering mass hysteria. The WHO have issued a song in public interest “Had Enough” and “Why did I fall for that” asking all the whiners to stay shut and keep that way.


3) ANGELINA FILES PETITION TO ADOPT THE THREE LIL PIGS

Fiji, Sunday: Hollywood Actress Angelina Jolie here today filed an application along with long time partner Brad Pitt to adopt the adorable trio of the “Three lil Pigs”. The three pigs who are Legen…wait for it…dary for their amusing children’s story along with the Big bad Wolf, were ousted from the city by the Public Health office due to the recent swine flu scare. Miss Jolie who is already known for her willingness to expand her “Rainbow Family” said she wants to do all she can for this humanitarian cause and couldn’t wait to add them to her current collection. The Big Bad Wolf saddened by the impending loss of his chums can be found in the local bars strumming to the tune of “Pigs (three different ones)” by Pink Floyd and drinking himself to oblivion.



4) HOW TO NOT CATCH THE FLU?

1. Always cover your nose and mouth when you sneeze. Rush and wear a mask if anyone sneezes around you. Special Anniversary Jacko accessory masks available for 100 USD. Extra-special masks for under 5 toddlers featuring Peterpan and Neverland, 75 USD.

2. When in doubt, do as Lady Macbeth does. Always wash your hands. Before eating. Wash your hands. After eating. Wash your hands. In between while chewing mess-chawal wish you were having a peperoni pizza instead. Wash your hands.

3. If you happen to get sick- Stay locked in your room. Put it up as your FB status. Create mass panic. Ensure a 2 week college off. Win the “Most popular person on campus”poll.

4. If you know someone who is sick- Shut them in a glass box. Sell them as a live specimen to AajTak Sansani. Or Sell him to Ramdev Baba for advertising his miraculous cure for the swine flu. Or just turn him over to the pigs. Let them have the last say.

5. Keep aware and recognize any abnormal symptoms. If you are in doubt, go seek professional advice from the Health center.


5) DO I HAVE THE SWINE FLU? YAHOO! ANSWERS-

1. I’m a 27 yr old participant in a Jungle survivor series. Just the other day I was showering under the waterfall. And now I am sneezing and getting the body
chills.Guys is this swine flu?

2. Yesterday at the supermarket we were standing next to a pork chops stand. ZOMG! Do I have swine flu??!!

3. I fell off the bike. My face hit the pavement and now my nose feels all squishy. Could this be swine flu?

4. There was no power here. I was reading this in a dark room with no fan. It was totally hot and I was sweating like a pig. Is that a symptom of swine flu??


6) RELATED STUFF-

1. Research Papers to Read: Pigs Can Fly - A detailed research by Mr. Wodehouse into the evolutionary links between pigs and birds and how their genomes support interchangeability of diseases.

2. Music to listen to: Will Smith- Get piggy with it
Pink Floyd- Pigs on the Wing
Pink Floyd- Pigs (three different ones) – dedicated by the Big Bad Wolf

3. Games to play:
i) Pigtionary
ii) Pig pong


7) DOWNLOAD SQUAD GUIDE TO SWINE FLU '09-

And now the only serious business in this entire article- Sites to go to in case you need some REAL information

CDC H1N1 Page -- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is a great source for H1N1 information for individuals and communities. The site is frequently updated and links to other world agencies and organizations.

PandemicFlu.gov -- This site is maintained by the US Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) and aggregates information from the CDC, WHO and other organizations.

World Health Organization -- The UN's World Health Organization (WHO) has a dedicated H1N1 site with media information, latest news and official WHO reports.

Food and Agriculture Organization -- Similarly, the UN's FAO is focussed on background information on H1N1, and is monitoring the situation.

“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”- Original Miss Piggy qoute